I’m the SEO Resident here at BuzzFeed, and I cover everything from trending pop culture and celebrity news to evergreen entertainment and lifestyle topics.

"What I eat in a day as a cheap gate [cheapskate]."

"I have stage 4 cancer, and I've started following this page to remind me that life could be worse 🥰."

"Please warn us before posting a dick pic."

"Can a bad altarnator [alternator] cause the catholic converter [catalytic converter] to go bad?"

"I will literally pay for your vasectomy." 

"I mean, the only comments I've seen you make are ones arguing with people... [Y]ou do seem kind of penis-shaped for how you've responded in every single comment you've made. If everywhere you go it smells like shit, you might need to check your shoe."

"Rate my professor is really something." 

"I never wore my seatbelt while driving to school because I wanted to die before making it to his class."

"I got called into a meeting with HR today cause apparently telling my coworker that I knew he was a C-section baby by the way he avoids labor is not acceptable in the workplace."

"I've never been dated and/or loved LOL."

"I am a self-taught ballerina 🩰. Corrections are appreciated 😀."

"Aah, Swan Lake's lesser-known cousin, goose puddle."

"No offense, but I couldn't focus on the joke because you talk as if Goofy and Mickey Mouse had an mpreg baby and the baby never coughed once in its life."

"From one rich stud to another @elonmusk! I know you can do it, and I can put my money where my mouth is." 

"You're going to put your money... on Elon's dick?"

"Most women involuntarily shit themselves during childbirth."

Just your mother. She wanted to produce at least one thing that wasn't going to be an utter disappointment.

"That's why you're still a virgin, bruh."

"I have a wife and daughter. You have an NFT profile. The only way a woman is going to touch you is with a taser."

"Don't need a cerebral cortex to know we aren't animals, I mean, you might be one, but I'm certainly not."

Humans are considered animals... If you are not part of the kingdom Animalia, then biologists will be so excited to study a type of plant that can type bullshit on the Internet."

"250-word essay due by midnight and I have no idea what to right."

"'250 word essay' 'what to right' yeah time to hit the oil rig."

"There should be a zoo of drunk white people doing stupid shit."

"Idk why you'd take advice from someone who's single in a room full of women and unemployed in a city full of jobs."

"Please don't break up, I don't want either of you in the dating pool."

"My friend was metal detecting and found a 400-year-old coin!"

"This is possibly one of the dumbest things I've seen in a long time."

"I remember one time I told a girl her rudeness wasn't attractive, and she said

'Genuine question, what makes you think I'm looking to attract you?'"

"Hey, what was that internet picture of a monkey you spent all your money on? Had like three letters."

"Hanging with the neighbors. We're ranking the dumbest things our kids ever did. You're currently in 1st place."

"My granny telling a lady her face makes it hard to believe both her parents were human... I never apologized so much to a person in my life, and all cause they raised the price of her vanilla essence."

"Had to apologize to the med tech, because my momma told her she missed her like she missed a toothache."

"Bold assumption for someone so ignorant. You don't know my friend and me. Also, what makes you think placid, innocent, useless Chat GPT would ever analyze a text that had the word 'Masturbation' in it?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you type like your eyes turn red when you're mad?"

"A good tip if you're broke: Instead of using deodorant, you can just use an air freshener instead. It's functionally the same thing, but comes in a 10x larger bottle at a fraction of the cost. I bought a box like this and spent 3 years at University smelling of 'Lavender Breeze.'"

"Were you born this way or did you become this way due to external factors? I'm pretty sure you're the key to solving the nature vs nurture debate."

"I remember bumping into a girl I liked from school, a good 10 years after we left, and she was talking about how she used to have a crush on me, yet she very strongly rejected any flirting I tried or even general conversation. I straight up thought she was disgusted by me, so idk what on earth her plan was lol."

"Ooooh, now I know why every girl in school was repulsed by me!"

"Cuz you're a chick magnet dude! The repulsive side tho."

"Parents of Reddit, why don't you close the door when you're leaving our rooms?"

"Because saying 'Son, your room stinks of the month-old cum socks that are clearly stuffed down the side of the bed and you need to let some fresh air in here because I'm genuinely worried at this point that breathing the air that is currently in here technically counts as me swallowing your money shot' is just going to embarrass us both."

"I'm looking for insults so intelligent you don't realize you've been roasted until 4 thoughts later."

"I respect how you never let facts interfere with your opinions."

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time."

"5th grade was the hardest 4 years of this dude's life."

"EDIT: uhh, I know some of you are a few Cheerios short of a balanced breakfast, but you know that if you report my comment, I (as a mod) see the report, right?"

"Why is Wikipedia still a thing? Doesn't ChatGPT just render it completely irrelevant?"

"You're the people in the floaty chairs at the start of Wall-E."

"Unfortunately, I don't have a driveway lol. Do better!"

"Since women love doing this, allow me to introduce you to a night out with me... $2,800 to step out. And you want me to entertain you in your $15 dress from Ross or Shein. How dare you?"

"Sir, you are standing in front of a white refrigerator in your profile pic plzzzz."

"People of Reddit: what category do you think you're in the top 1% of?"

"My IQ is 136, which is in the top 5% of the world."

"IQ of 136 apparently not enough to understand and answer OP's question."

"My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is seven years old.

Me: That's not that old. I have sheets older than that.

Mother: 'Well, perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine.'

"Specifically designed to kill Jedi. Not even one Jedi was killed by it."

"Your penis was designed to reproduce, yet not even one girl has been f---ed by it."

"'My wife asked me for the 4th time since Thanksgiving, and it's now the day before Christmas Eve, and all of a sudden she has EXPECTATIONS of me.' What a Muppet. Jim Henson is rolling in his grave because he didn't make a Muppet as muppety as you."

"Ole boy has two brain cells fighting each other for third place."

"One of my favorite vegetables! I love corn."

"You call yourself a human when you're spiritually the rat droppings in someone's attic."

"JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO OXFORD UNIVERSITYYYYYYYYY!!!

University of Oxford: "YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS! See you in October!"

"Angel hair spaghetti sticking to the strainer ass signature. Drive safe."

"Because I can only focus on you. Get it? Because I'm neurodivergent."

"Here's my RADICAL idea: if a doctor says something is necessary, then your insurance cannot deny it."

"So if a doctor says a speedboat is necessary, it can't be denied?

"Teacher always handed your tests back to you facedown, huh?"

"Bought our first house at age 19... What y'all buying?"

"A $3.99 realty record that shows your dad bought it. Much like the company you 'run.'"

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.